


To Feel and Not to Feel

by Writers_Have_Their_Own_Set_of_Rules



Category: Thoroughbreds (2017)
Genre: Based on my interpretation of the ending, Conversation & Hesitiation, F/F, How the girls influence each other, However they miss each other, Lily visits Amanda, Possibly more than just a friendship, Post-Thoroughbreds ending, Thoughts both expressed and held back, first person POVs, they're both happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-16 20:23:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,530
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15445107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writers_Have_Their_Own_Set_of_Rules/pseuds/Writers_Have_Their_Own_Set_of_Rules
Summary: It's been three months since the ending of Thoroughbreds. Lily visits Amanda at the mental institution where she now lives, and it's no secret that there's been a shift in their friendship since that night.  Mainly in the way they both feel...and don't feel.





	To Feel and Not to Feel

**Author's Note:**

> Partially inspired by "Prison & Princeton" by LieutenantSaavik, as well as my thoughts and feelings regarding the ending.

_"I live a meaningless life."_

_"No...no! You're a great...friend."_

_She scoffed slightly. "I'm a skilled imitator."_

_And with that, she was out like a light._

 

_(Lily's P.O.V.)_

My eyes opened slightly against the sun shining through my sheer curtains.  Many nights I still half-expect to hear the whirring of the ergometer above my head, grating against the wood floor and my ears.  But no, all I can hear in the morning are the chirping birds, and the distant ticking of the grandfather clock in the hallway.  All things natural and peaceful.  

Sighing, I pulled myself out of bed, then remembered what day it was.

The day I'd been anticipating and dreading in equal measure. The day I was going to visit Amanda.

I walked over to my folded outfit sitting on my desk chair, and took into the bathroom with me as I went in to take a shower.  

As I felt the hot water hit me full-force, memories I'd stored from the past few weeks replayed in my head, prepping me for the impending visit. 

**********

It was Mark's funeral.

Mom was a quiet mess beside me, wiping her eyes with tissues as the priest said his prayers.  I stood beside her, a statue.  My hands folded, my shoulders stiff, my face blank.  At least for a while.  That is, until I felt my mother reach over and squeeze my hand, and I felt her watching me in disbelief.  Disbelief that this somber (and very familiar) setting wasn't evoking any emotion.  She knew that Mark and I had a "complicated" relationship, so I don't think she expected me to cry for him specifically.  Or maybe she did.  Maybe she DID want me to cry for him, to cry for the fact that I'd lost the chance to connect with him.  That we'd never have the father-daughter relationship she'd so foolishly hoped would happen for us.  And maybe that, in turn, would make me remember my REAL father, making the tears fall even faster because the two of us had been so close.  

But no. I stood there motionless, just staring at the dark wooden lid of Mark's coffin.  Instead of mourning, I imagined his fist coming through the lid as he fought his way out, a zombie out for revenge.  Everyone ran away in terror while I stood frozen in shock; Mark's clammy white hand coming around my neck as he began choking the life from me. 

For my mother's sake though, I knew that if I didn't produce some sort of tears she'd think I was insulting Mark's memory.  So with as much effort as I could muster, I used the Technique that Amanda had taught me.  After a few moments, artificial tears rolled down my cheeks, and audible gasps sounded from inside my throat.  

I was like a robot, mechanically going through the motions that were expected of me.  But to my mother, it appeared genuine, because at that moment I felt her wrap her arm around my shoulders and pull me close to her.  

No doubt everyone else around me thought that my crying was real as well.  But the truth was, ever since the night I'd stopped feeling.  I'd become numb inside, and there were two reasons for that.  

First, because it was the only way to both accept and hide what I'd done.

Second, because I'd instead used up all my sadness and grief on Amanda, even though she wasn't the one who was dead.

At least, not the in the physical sense. 

**********

I had just killed Mark.

I stood over his body, my hands shaking.  The tip of the knife gently tapped against my bare, bloody thigh.  My white and black sweater dress was totally ruined; turns out the latex gloves I wore did nothing to lessen the mess I'd made.  My breathing came out in rapid gasps, and I dared myself to look into Mark's lifeless, wide-open eyes.  

Crazy thing was, killing him had been the easy part.  Weirdly, it had felt...good. The cold-hearted killer in me felt the power in me grow as his life slipped away. This man had nothing new to offer the world, so it didn't matter whether he lived or died.  The world would recognize his death and then move on, like it had done for centuries now. 

However, the worst was yet to come. 

Careful not to touch anything with my bloody gloves, I ran downstairs to where Amanda lay sleeping.  Biting my lip, I knelt in front of her and before I lost my nerve, I quickly spread the blood over her arms and clothes.  I sat on the couch and moved her head from its angled position, and as soon as I looked her full in the face, the gravity of what I'd done washed over me. 

Mark was dead, and Amanda would be found covered in his blood.  There would be no trial because of what she'd already done to Honeymooner, and deeming her a threat to society, she'd most likely be institutionalized.

Which meant I'd most likely never see her again.

And sure Amanda would have no emotions about it, but I did.

Laying down with my head on her lap, I draped her arm over me, squeezing it for comfort.  And I let the tears fall.  

I sobbed piteously, the sound of the still-playing film fading into nothing.  Though Amanda didn't believe it, she'd always been a great friend to me, both when we were kids and in the last several weeks.  The best thing about her?  The simple fact that she was THERE.  That I had someone to talk to and confide in about my stepfather, someone to hang out and watch movies with (sure I guessed that old movies weren't her thing, but she knew they made me happy so that was what mattered), and someone to make my days stuck at home feel a little less...lonely.  

Yes that was it, that was the worst part. Without Amanda I'd be lonely again, and that's what I feared the most.  

I knew that in order to properly hide behind the façade we'd created, I knew I had to practice being emotionless, like Amanda.  One false move and her sacrifice would've been for nothing.

But the one thing that troubled me was, why? Why would she do this for me? What did she gain from lying for me? I mean, this wasn't just taking the fall for a broken vase; this was MURDER. 

I'd probably never know.

*********

However, now that I was going to visit Amanda today, I was determined to find out.

Of course, as I drove in my mom's car to the mental hospital, I could barely focus on what I was going to say to her.  I was too busy trying to keep my anger down.

Before I left, Mom was doing some paperwork when I asked to borrow her car.  She wordlessly handed me the keys, already knowing where I was going, and refusing to discuss it any further.

However, there was one burning question that I needed answered.

"Mom?"

"Yes Lily?" she said without looking up.

"Did you love Mark?"

She stopped writing mid-sentence and looked up at me, her face a mixture of pity and confusion. "What on Earth do you mean?"

"I mean exactly what I said," I replied. "I want to know if you loved Mark."

"Sweetie, if I didn't love Mark, I wouldn't have married him," she exclaimed.

I snickered slightly. "Well of course you loved him when you married him, but did you love him all the way up to when he died?"

Mom frowned, annoyed that I hadn't dropped the subject. "I'm not discussing this with you Lily, and certainly not today of all days."

"Mom it's a simple question," I stated, "and I'm asking you this an adult, woman to woman; not as an ignorant child." 

"Honey, I loved your father 'til the day he died and I love him still, and being with Mark didn't change any of that, if that's what you're wondering."

It was nice to hear her say that, but it wasn't what I wanted to know. 

"No Mom, I want to know if you still loved Mark even despite everything he did to you," I clarified. 

"Meaning?"

"Oh come on Mom, I may have been out of school for several months but that doesn't mean I'm stupid," I said. "He became somewhat paranoid when he didn't know where you were, he tried to force you into sending me to a school for problem kids, he lashed out when all you wanted to do was look at his bike wound, and did everything he could to keep us wrapped around his little finger." Not to mention I was pretty sure he was trying to give her skin cancer when he bought her that tanning bed. 

She was quiet for several moments, and I allowed myself a nod of satisfaction.

"See even you can't deny that Mark was an asshole," I commented.

"Damn it Lily, stop!" Mom snapped, slamming her fist on the table and making me jump.  She took several deep breaths before continuing. "I told you I didn't want to talk about this now, but clearly you refuse to listen.  So here, let me be the bigger person." With that, she collected her things and headed upstairs without another word. 

I watched her go, my teeth gritting together.  _Someone's clearly in denial,_ I thought to myself.  But figuring that I'd already pressed her enough, I grabbed her keys and left without saying good-bye.

Now here I was, driving in annoyed silence to the institution.  However, at least it gave me something to talk to Amanda about, because up until now I had no idea what to say to her.  What could be substantial enough to close the distance that had built up between us during those three months apart?  Especially considering where we'd both SPENT those few months. 

Granted Amanda had written me a long and detailed letter amidst those drawn-out weeks, and despite telling Tim that I'd thrown it away, I actually HAD read it, word for word.

But talking about the letter would've invoked feeling.  Lying didn't require any.

 **********

_(Amanda's P.O.V.)_

I positioned my rocking chair in front of the large picture hanging in my room.  It was the picture of me and Lily as kids, sitting on our respective horses; me unsmiling with Honeymooner, while Lily beamed with pride on her horse Stardust.  I plopped myself down in the chair, rocking back and forth slowly as I studied it.  I moved the horse charm back and forth on its chain around my neck, something Lily usually did when she was anxious or apprehensive.  I couldn't believe that the day had finally come at last.

I was going to see Lily again. 

I'd written to her a while back, telling her about my life here at the psych ward.  Though that satisfied me for a while, it felt very one-sided because Lily never responded.  Somewhere in my gut I knew that she'd read it, but still, I wanted to know how it made her feel.  How had she reacted to the dreams I described was mainly what I wanted to know.  Today I'd finally find out.

Yeah I admit it, I missed her.  

I stared at the picture, reminding myself that under no circumstance could I show her that I'd changed. 

Because the day I recovered this picture from my house, framing it and hanging it up on the wall over my plain wooden dresser, I found myself thinking back to when it was taken.  Back when Lily and I were still best friends, living comfortably inside the little bubble we'd created around ourselves.  That is, until Lily left the bubble to attend Andover, popping it in her wake.  And despite everything that had happened between then and now, we'd managed to re-create that bubble.  I felt it especially those times we'd been on that white leather couch, watching those old black-and-white movies Lily loved so much.  That couch had become our secret, sacred space, where our friendship was at its strongest.  No one else was around to bother us, and two of our most pivotal moments had occurred on that couch.  The moment when I came up with the idea to kill Mark, and the moment when I chose to take the fall for it.  Sure they may not seem like they made our friendship stronger, but at the center of them both was Lily, and the underlining amount of caring and protection I'd re-developed for her.  Then I smiled.  As my face willed itself to make the motion, I realized in both horror and amazement that it was REAL. A real smile, that quite possibly represented real...happiness.  Or at least, something close to it.  

And maybe it wasn't just the memories that were making me happy.  Maybe it was Lily herself.

However, now that she was coming to visit, I refused to even hint that I possibly felt that way.

"You can't feel," I told myself, then I smirked. "Conceal, don't feel." Wow, I couldn't believe I just quoted _Frozen_ of all things. 

A knock suddenly sounded at my door, and a nurse poked her head in. "Amanda, Lily Reynolds is here.  She's waiting for you in the courtyard." Nodding, I wordlessly followed her out as she escorted me down to the fenced-in courtyard.  I nearly gasped when I saw Lily sitting at one of the picnic tables, at the far end of the yard. 

She wore her long brown hair in a ponytail on the side of her head, and black sunglasses shielding her eyes despite being under an umbrella.  She wore a clean, ironed white blouse, a pale pink pencil skirt, and gold strappy sandals.  A white leather pocketbook sat on the bench beside her, and she was warily glancing around at the other patients.  She looked so sophisticated compared to everyone else, and that made her stand out.  And not in a good way.  I saw a couple of the guys standing off to the side and checking her out, but as soon as I joined her at the table, they quickly looked away.

"Hey Lily," I said robotically. 

Despite how serious she looked in her sunglasses, a wide smile spread across her face. "Hi Amanda. It's really good to see you."

"You too," I replied. 

We went quiet for a couple of moments, until I noticed Lily looking around. 

"Would the orderlies get mad if we hugged?" she wondered.  I shrugged. 

"Probably not. I'm pretty well-behaved, and since they let you visit they clearly don't think I'm a threat to your safety, so I think we're good." 

We both got up, though Lily made it to my side of the table quicker than I could get to hers.  And without even pausing, Lily threw her arms around me, nearly knocking me over. 

"It's really good to see you," she repeated into my shoulder. 

"I'm guessing you missed me, then?" I asked her.

"Yes," she said. I felt a small chill go through me at that, knowing she'd missed me as much as I missed her, though possibly more since she could still feel. 

Once we broke apart, we sat opposite to each other once again. 

"So, how are you doing? Everything going okay here?" Lily wondered. 

"If you read my letter, you'd already know that," I exclaimed. 

"Of course I did!" she said quickly. "I just mean, it's been a while since you sent it, so I just...wanted to know if anything changed since then."

I ignored her question and instead asked "What did you think?"

"Of what?"

"The dreams I wrote about in my letter," I replied, challenging whether or not she actually read it. 

"I liked the one about the humans dying out and the horses taking over especially," she commented. "There was something strangely...beautiful about it." Then her face broke out into a wide smile. "Hey, maybe you can write a story about that!"

I rolled my eyes. "Writers have to be emotionally involved to create their stories, and that, you know, is something I am not." 

She shrugged. "Whatever you say Amanda. Anyway, want to know what's been going on at home?"

"Go ahead."

With that, she launched into her story.  How she'd gotten better in school because of that she'd been accepted into Yale, how even though Cynthia mourned Mark's death Lily could tell that without him she seemed somewhat stronger, and that she even ran into Tim at one point. 

"He works as a restaurant valet now," she explained, then she giggled. "Probably left his job at the nursing home because we'd, quote on quote, blown his cover, and he hoped to never run into us again."

I couldn't help but smirk. "Hey, at least it's a step up.  Especially since he wants to become a hot-shot drug dealer.  He has a better chance now that he can't be arrested for endangering old people."

Lily laughed. "Is that even a charge?"

"In this day and age, it probably is," I exclaimed and we both laughed.  Lily's being joyful and energetic, while mine was more dull and forced.

"Look, talking about this is great and all, but why don't we discuss what's REALLY on your mind," I said suddenly.

Her face fell. "What do you mean?"

"I'm not stupid Lily, I know why you're really here," I stated.

*********

_(Lily's P.O.V.)_

"I'm not stupid Lily, I know why you're really here," Amanda stated.  I bit my lip; I'd hoped we wouldn't have to go into that but of course Amanda knew me too well.

"Alright fine," I said, crossing my arms over my chest. "What'd you do it? What'd you take the fall for it?"

She picked up a leaf that had blown onto the table and began tracing the patterns on it, avoiding my gaze. "That's honestly what I wondered myself for a while, and then I figured it out.  It's because you had a better chance at life than I ever did, and it was time to finally accept that."

"What are you talking about?" 

"Lily, when's the last time you heard someone with no emotions getting their dream job?" she asked me.

"Um...never?" 

"Exactly, people like me don't succeed in life," she said. "People hire people not just for their hands-on skills, but for their people skills as well.  Companies want workers who can properly interact with customers or patrons, as well as with each other.  They need to smile, be kind, be helpful.  I am none of those things, and sure I can pretend to be all that, but they would easily see right through me.  Then I'd have to get into the same explanation that I gave you, but _unlike_ you, they wouldn't be so understanding.  I'd be dismissed and they'd move on to the next available candidate."

I frowned. "But that doesn't mean you couldn't...I don't know...Steve Jobs your way through life, right? Isn't that what you said you wanted to do?"

"Again, that involves people skills Lily, so that wouldn't work for me either," Amanda pointed out.

"So you're telling me that you'd rather spend your days here, unfairly being treated like a criminal, rather than running free like in your horse dream?" I exclaimed. 

"Like I said in my letter Lily, it's not so bad here," she countered. "Besides, it's actually easier than living out there." She gestured to beyond the gate. "Here, everything is already planned out for me.  Every day is scheduled to the max, and all I need to do is be on my best behavior and cooperate with everything that's asked of me.  It's fine, really. I don't mind.  Besides, in terms of being treated like a criminal, better me than you."

"Why?"

"I don't feel guilt for what I did, so I can handle everything that's come from killing Mark," she replied. "Besides, I'm tough, and I can take care of myself in here.  You, however, are a different story Lily, and I don't think I need to explain how _you'd_ respond to all of this now do I?" 

"No," I admitted. "But please, stop talking like you're the one who killed him."

"Lily, as far as anyone else is concerned I DID kill Mark, and after three months of reciting rehearsed lines about why and how I killed him, I've reached a point where even _I_ believe that I did it." 

"But as far as  _I'm_ concerned, I'm the one who killed him, and you just got blamed for it," I retorted. 

"And you still feel guilt for it," she figured. 

"Of course I do, you're my best friend and I blamed you for fucking murder," I said. 

She shrugged. "We made our choices Reynolds, and now we have to live with the consequences.  Isn't that what life's all about?" 

"Yeah, I guess," I said. "But what I still don't get is, why me? I highly doubt you'd do this for anyone else."

"You're right about that, and maybe it's because somewhere deep down in this emotionally deprived body, I have a soft spot for you," she replied.

I didn't know what to say to that.

"But other than that," she added quickly, "I did it like I was performing a duty, because in a way, I kind of owed you."

"For what?"

"For continuing to see and hang out with me, even when I didn't believe that you were being genuine about it," Amanda said.

"Well, that's because I'd rather be seen hanging out with you, the girl who euthanized her own horse, than..." I stopped short, blushing and looking away.

"No, no, finish that thought," she urged. "You'd rather hang out with me than what?"

"I preferred hanging out with you to being lonely," I said.

Now it was Amanda's turn to be left speechless.

"So thank you," I continued when she didn't reply. "Thank you for making me feel less lonely those last several weeks." 

"Um...you're welcome," she said.

Too soon however, an orderly arrived at our table.

"Time's up Amanda, you've got another meeting with Dr. Fitzgerald in a few, so say good-bye to your friend," the lady said. 

We both stood up from the table, giving each other one last hug.

"I'll be back next month. Sound good to you?" I asked.

"Sure thing, as long as it's cool that I keep writing to you," Amanda replied.

"Of course," I answered. "I may not write back, but trust me when I say that I will read them."

"I trust you," she said. Then she glanced up towards the building.

"Go out onto the street and wait for me to get my room, you'll be able to see me from the front windows," she exclaimed.

"Why?"

"Just do it," she said.  

I raised an eyebrow but did as she told me.  Once I was let out of the courtyard, and Amanda was escorted back into the building, I went out onto the sidewalk and stared up at the building through the lenses of my sunglasses. 

**********

_(Amanda's P.O.V.)_

Once I reached my room, I raced to my one locked window and looked outside to find Lily exactly where I'd asked her to be.  She caught sight of me, and I waved at her. 

She smiled, seeing that I just wanted to say good-bye to her one last time, and she waved back.  Then she turned on her heel and headed back to the adjoining parking lot. 

As soon as she was gone, I felt that same mysterious, Mona Lisa-like smile return to my face.  This had been a good visit, and I couldn't deny it any longer.  Lily had a way of bringing out emotions in me, and I couldn't believe that I'd practically admitted that to her.  That she had a way of making feel like I cared, even though I made it very clear to her that I couldn't.  

Maybe it was the beginning of something new.  Maybe, through Lily, I was on the road to recovery regarding my emotions.

Or maybe not, who knows.  Maybe it was just a fluke, a spark of a lighter that went out just as fast as it had been lit.  Only time would tell.

"Hey Amanda, Dr. Fitzgerald's ready for you," a nurse told me, peeking into my room.

I continued smiling even as I turned away from the window to face the nurse. "Alright then, I'm coming."

 **********

_(Lily's P.O.V.)_

I smiled as I caught Amanda waving at me from an upper floor window, and I waved back at her.  Satisfied that we'd gotten our good-byes out, I turned on my heel and headed back towards the parking lot. 

The visit with Amanda had turned out better than I expected.  In the beginning it felt kind of awkward, but once we both got talking, we felt back into our usual, pre-murder rhythm.  It'd been...nice.  Nice to feel again, nice to carry the brunt of the emotions between the two of us.  Nice to laugh, nice to care, nice to admit to Amanda that being with her made me feel less lonely.  You know what? The whole thing was just plain nice.

Granted, it surprised me that she'd suddenly become so open regarding her...I didn't want to say 'feelings' towards me, since I knew she didn't have them.  However, the way she spoke about having a soft spot for me, it made me wonder.  Maybe she did have emotions, but they just never clicked to life inside her brain.  Like the nerve controlling her emotions had been on the off setting, but when she made the choice to take the fall for Mark's murder, the nerve had been activated following that pivotal moment. 

Only Amanda could decide whether she was ready to begin feeling again, and if she did, then I would be there for her.

However, now that I was no longer in her presence, and instead amongst the lonely, Mark-influenced atmosphere of my mother's car, I felt the numbness begin to creep its way back up again.

My phone suddenly rang, and I picked it up.  It was Mom.

"Lily, are you on your way home darling? I need to car for a meeting in two hours," she said.

"Yeah Mom, heading home right now," I replied tonelessly.

"Thank you sweetie," then she paused. "How did it go with Amanda?"

"Fine," I said curtly. "But you didn't want me to talk about her before, so there's no sense doing it now." 

With that, I hung up.  I knew Mom would probably ask me what that was all about when I got home, but I didn't care.  Not anymore.

As the smile Amanda had brought to my face slowly vanished, I pulled out of the parking lot and onto the main road.

I could almost _hear_ the sound of the emotions switch in my brain clicking off. 

It was like greeting an old friend. 

**********

 

**Author's Note:**

> Songs that influenced this piece:  
> "Satellite Heart" - Anya Marina. (There was originally a video pairing this song with Lily & Amanda, but sadly, the user was forced to take it down due to copyright. It was too bad to because it was a wonderfully-edited video!)  
> "Bad Together" - Dua Lipa. (Definitely reminds me a lot of Lily & Amanda, as it refers to sharing pain and sharing a past, which they do, and even though the subjects of the song only do bad stuff together, they're cool with it, even if it's only for a while. And that's essentially what goes on between the girls in the movie.) 
> 
>  
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this; please let me know what you think! And do check out my other works if you like this one :).


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